Friday, April 15, 2011

A Prayer for my Tina Fey!

I wish I was this cool! Kinda funny after yesterdays post about girls and how we want them to believe in themselves, that I should come across this prayer that Tina Fey wrote for her daughter!

Tina you are my new idol for sure!

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Bea......uty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

I love the one about if her daughter turns on her and calls her a Bitch in front of Hollister! She is genius!

Enjoy your weekend!


Yummommylicious said...

Lovely post! Coming from Bloggy Moms. I'm your new follower, I hope you could follow me back at and Thanks!

Crystal said...

This made me laugh out loud!! Too funny...!!
Have a great weekend =)

Shar said...

This is hilarious Megan!
I'm your new follower!


Cat & Cricket said...

This is flippin BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laci said...

I love this!! I cannot wait to share it with all of my mom friends. I laughed so hard!

Miss Sara said...

Loved it! So honest. :D

Debbie said...

The whole think is genius! I love it! Thank you for posting this.

Lula said...

HHAHAHA you're right, the one about Hollister was PRICELESS. I love Tina Fey. She's SUCH a smart woman!

Not So Simply Single said...

Fabulous! Purely fabulous!
Have a great day darling!


two birds said...

for most people, this made them laugh (which i did, too)...but it also made me cry! it's so true!

The Fine Life said...

It is what every mother thinks, but can not put into words. I hope her next child is a boy - I haven't heard - because we need a universal prayer for them, too!

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