So it was a typical Tuesday night, I'm listening to the kind of, oops channeling Taylor Swift for a minute. My daughter's favorite at the moment and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Ok, really it was the kind of Friday night where you have no babysitter and the husband is on call.
I think its a great time to tackle that garden, in fact it's way past the garden stages and is approaching the national forest status. I really don't need my husband getting lost in there anytime soon.
Did I really just go there? Yes, I think I did!
So after I get the kids to bed and realize they are out cold I decide to head into the site of my demise. In the bathroom I gear up by giving myself a little pep talk. I look into the mirror and say, "I can do this!" "I am bigger than this!" I started to read the directions and again was so relieved that I picked up the cold wax kit. I wasn't in the mood for clumpy hot wax. Rub the strips together in your hand, the heat from your hands warm them up. Peel them apart and press them in the area that needs attention and then rip them off. Awesome, I'll be done in no time.
I decided to do my leg first just to get a feel for the pain. Yes, I even have hairy legs people. Just because it says pain free, I don't really believe it. There's always some kind of pain, right?
So I get out the strips and think, ok just a little rub together in my hands, that's suppose to do the job, but hmm, I see my hair dryer sitting on the counter and think, what about a little zap from the ole hair dryer, that's warmer than my hands? I lay the strip across my shin, zap it, and then rub it for good luck. Pull and voila, hair! Yes, it works! I continue several more times, figuring I might as well finish the legs and then I will head North!
I will say it certainly wasn't the best feeling I've had. I mean I don't think I'm into masochism but whoa, I guess no pain, no gain right? Oh, the things we do for beauty!
I feel at this point I can conquer anything. I mean I did push two babies out and one of them was a 9 pounder and had a huge head. A little wax strip is a piece of cake.
Well, here goes me attempting to go North. I place one foot on the side of the tub, and using the same method as before I place the strip on my left side of my bikini line towards my rear, yes ladies that needs attention too. I zap a little heat from the dryer, I look in the mirror, do the sign of the cross, inhale and rip! Oh My Gawd, I thought I was going to die. I felt myself falling head first towards the tub but was able to grab hold of the sink and get my bearings. God forbid my husband come home or worse yet my kiddos come down the stairs and find me like this. Ok, I realized I was still standing and started to get some feeling back in that area. I hadn't looked yet, so I braced myself for a little blood.
I look down and notice yes some dotting of red, but also a huge bruise was starting to develop. I grab the strip to at least get some satisfaction that my efforts were not done in vain. Would you believe that there was no mother f@#*&%@*&%$#@ing hair on that strip! WHAT? All that and no hair. All that crapping pain and nothing for my near death experience, holy hell! This is a crock, or am I doing it wrong? Ok, no heat from the hair dryer this time. I put my right leg up, lay the strip on the bikini line and pull in the opposite direction of the hair. Shit, this was worse than the first, I really think I'm going to hit the floor. So in order to not hit the floor I clench my cheeks and grab hold and get up. When I looked at the wax strip there was nothing. I don't mean there was no hair, because there wasn't, but the strip was clean, not even wax on the strip. Where the hell was the wax? I remembered the whole clenching and realized I was sticking together.
I peek between my legs and see a mangled mess. Yes indeed! Well what do I do now? I grab the box just to see if there is an area that says, "this is what you do if this happens". No such luck. I hobble over and grab a wash cloth and run the hot water. That has to melt the wax right? No of course not. I notice the bottle that comes in the kit and then pry my ass cheeks and dab a little of that lotion and luckily that seems to work a little. Tell me, why is that bottle so dam small? Don't they know you always need more than they give and I need to bathe in it right about now. After I manage to unglue myself I grab the razor. Yes you heard me. Throughout this whole ordeal, I ended up shaving everything.
So what is the moral of the story. Maybe its don't put the strip on so it reaches that far back or your ass will be glued shut. Maybe it's that the wax kit always wins and not in a good way. We all know it had to be men who developed these wax kits and they are laughing hysterically when their stocks continue to rise. No, I think the moral of the story is you should always shave. Sure you have to deal with stubble and even a few razor burns. But all in all its quick, cheap and fairly pain free.
Am I ever going to wax again? I can't say never, so maybe I am a bit of a masochist after all. Maybe I should just brave it and have a professional do it. I'm sure it was the way I was holding the strip and I just didn't rip hard enough. But I'm not sure I can get on a table with my legs over my head and have a total stranger get in there. Do they enjoy it or are they sadists? Why do we even have to be clean shaven? Do men really like us to look like shaved chickens?
If someone out there has the answer or some tips on this procedure let me know. In the meantime I am wobbling like I've just gotten off a horse! And I'm going commando, I can't deal with the elastic from my underwear on my battle scars!