Sunday, November 14, 2010

Wax or Shave, that is the question!

Wax or Shave? That is the question of the day! Ok, I know you've all asked yourself that question a time or two, am I right? Well that question came up the other day as I was walking through Target and happened upon the shaving cream, razors and waxing aisle. I decided that it was time to go down that road again. Now do I shave? I mean oh so easy, I'm in the shower no mess, no fuss. Then I saw the kit that says cold wax, no heating involved. I thought, now that sounds easy enough right? I mean I'm no genius but I can figure this one out!

So it was a typical Tuesday night, I'm listening to the kind of, oops channeling Taylor Swift for a minute. My daughter's favorite at the moment and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Ok, really it was the kind of Friday night where you have no babysitter and the husband is on call.
I think its a great time to tackle that garden, in fact it's way past the garden stages and is approaching the national forest status. I really don't need my husband getting lost in there anytime soon.

Did I really just go there? Yes, I think I did!

So after I get the kids to bed and realize they are out cold I decide to head into the site of my demise. In the bathroom I gear up by giving myself a little pep talk. I look into the mirror and say, "I can do this!" "I am bigger than this!" I started to read the directions and again was so relieved that I picked up the cold wax kit. I wasn't in the mood for clumpy hot wax. Rub the strips together in your hand, the heat from your hands warm them up. Peel them apart and press them in the area that needs attention and then rip them off. Awesome, I'll be done in no time.

I decided to do my leg first just to get a feel for the pain. Yes, I even have hairy legs people. Just because it says pain free, I don't really believe it. There's always some kind of pain, right?

So I get out the strips and think, ok just a little rub together in my hands, that's suppose to do the job, but hmm, I see my hair dryer sitting on the counter and think, what about a little zap from the ole hair dryer, that's warmer than my hands? I lay the strip across my shin, zap it, and then rub it for good luck. Pull and voila, hair! Yes, it works! I continue several more times, figuring I might as well finish the legs and then I will head North!

I will say it certainly wasn't the best feeling I've had. I mean I don't think I'm into masochism but whoa, I guess no pain, no gain right? Oh, the things we do for beauty!

I feel at this point I can conquer anything. I mean I did push two babies out and one of them was a 9 pounder and had a huge head. A little wax strip is a piece of cake.

Well, here goes me attempting to go North. I place one foot on the side of the tub, and using the same method as before I place the strip on my left side of my bikini line towards my rear, yes ladies that needs attention too. I zap a little heat from the dryer, I look in the mirror, do the sign of the cross, inhale and rip! Oh My Gawd, I thought I was going to die. I felt myself falling head first towards the tub but was able to grab hold of the sink and get my bearings. God forbid my husband come home or worse yet my kiddos come down the stairs and find me like this. Ok, I realized I was still standing and started to get some feeling back in that area. I hadn't looked yet, so I braced myself for a little blood.

I look down and notice yes some dotting of red, but also a huge bruise was starting to develop. I grab the strip to at least get some satisfaction that my efforts were not done in vain. Would you believe that there was no mother f@#*&%@*&%$#@ing hair on that strip! WHAT? All that and no hair. All that crapping pain and nothing for my near death experience, holy hell! This is a crock, or am I doing it wrong? Ok, no heat from the hair dryer this time. I put my right leg up, lay the strip on the bikini line and pull in the opposite direction of the hair. Shit, this was worse than the first, I really think I'm going to hit the floor. So in order to not hit the floor I clench my cheeks and grab hold and get up. When I looked at the wax strip there was nothing. I don't mean there was no hair, because there wasn't, but the strip was clean, not even wax on the strip. Where the hell was the wax? I remembered the whole clenching and realized I was sticking together.

I peek between my legs and see a mangled mess. Yes indeed! Well what do I do now? I grab the box just to see if there is an area that says, "this is what you do if this happens". No such luck. I hobble over and grab a wash cloth and run the hot water. That has to melt the wax right? No of course not. I notice the bottle that comes in the kit and then pry my ass cheeks and dab a little of that lotion and luckily that seems to work a little. Tell me, why is that bottle so dam small? Don't they know you always need more than they give and I need to bathe in it right about now. After I manage to unglue myself I grab the razor. Yes you heard me. Throughout this whole ordeal, I ended up shaving everything.

So what is the moral of the story. Maybe its don't put the strip on so it reaches that far back or your ass will be glued shut. Maybe it's that the wax kit always wins and not in a good way. We all know it had to be men who developed these wax kits and they are laughing hysterically when their stocks continue to rise. No, I think the moral of the story is you should always shave. Sure you have to deal with stubble and even a few razor burns. But all in all its quick, cheap and fairly pain free.

Am I ever going to wax again? I can't say never, so maybe I am a bit of a masochist after all. Maybe I should just brave it and have a professional do it. I'm sure it was the way I was holding the strip and I just didn't rip hard enough. But I'm not sure I can get on a table with my legs over my head and have a total stranger get in there. Do they enjoy it or are they sadists? Why do we even have to be clean shaven? Do men really like us to look like shaved chickens?

If someone out there has the answer or some tips on this procedure let me know. In the meantime I am wobbling like I've just gotten off a horse! And I'm going commando, I can't deal with the elastic from my underwear on my battle scars!


Eschelle said...

SHAVE!!! i have no bravery for waxing; but if you must i suggest a girls night with ALOT of wine lol!

Vivian said...

haha, that is hilarious! def a moment to remember for you! personally, i'm too scared to wax down there, i've shaved before but that's about it. even though i've had a kid (and OMG you pushed out a 9 pounder?!?! props!) i still can't imagine ripping off the hair down there, it's just too sensitive!

Urban Farmgirl said...

Girl, you crack me up! I have been thinking of going for a wax one of these days, and I am not someone that gets shy easily at all...but man. Their head has to be places I don't wish upon anyone! Lol! Maybe I will attempt this at home!

Hey, guess what I found when I was out junk shopping the other day! A Paris Street sign from here in Rockford! Thought of you! ;o)


Urban Farmgirl said...

By the way...did you see my Pottery Barn giveaway?? If not...get over there!!


Anonymous said...

Hmm, this is hard...
Well it depends if i'm in the mood for pain or i'm not rushing i'll do a wax, but if i'm in a hurry i'll just shave, its so quick!

Tatted Mom said...

I absolutely love your blog, your writing style, everything! Found you through Meditative Mom's blog hop today, and I'm now definitely a follower of yours.


Charlene said...

Yikes! I am definitely a shaver. The only thing I wax is my eyebrows and that is done by a professional. I get the shivers just thinkin' about it!!

Visiting from MM's blog hop and have heard great things about your blog here so I'm looking forward to reading more.


Quay Po Cooks said...

I am a chicken. I don't dare to shave or wax. Fortunately for a China woman, there is nothing much to take off anyway. LOL! Thanks for a good laugh to start my day.

Debbie said...

Hilarious! I never had a bikini wax, I did hte lazor hair removal years ago when it first came out. I would do that again and perhaps go a little higher than I did. Or I would go for a professional wax. I would nevva do a home kit...honey it sounded like you needed the weed whacker LOL LOL! Great story though. Oh and I feel sorry for you when it starts growing back, itchy itchy itchy! HA

Sarah Maizes said...

I'm a waxer. Up down ALL around but I've never had the balls (and if I did, they'd be smoothe as a...well...I think you know...) to do it MYSELF! I give you PROPS girl! Sarah

Eva said...

haha, wow, i love how honest you are!
yes i have had some unpleasant wax experiences myself. it's awful having it professionally done too, sooo awkward!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

I am so so sorry for your pain, but this was the best laugh I've had all day!!!!! ;)

⚜ Calamity Anne ⚜ said...

I have no tips...but I can safely say that even the no-heat strips hurt like the holy you quickly found out!!!

By the way...thanks for the visual and a good laugh!

Kim said...


Psst...Laser Hair Removal. Best $$ I ever spent.

Before that I did wax, though. But it MUST be the hot wax. Those cold kits don't work for sh$t as you learned the hard way.

Tip: Only do thin sections at a time. You get used to it over time.

eof777 said...

Both... Following you from the Meditative Mom blog hop. Have a great week ahead!

sisters4saymoreismore said...

bwa hahaHA ha HAHHAHAHAHAHAHH..... snort... HAHAHAH hahaha HAAHAHAH ... tear..

freaking HILARIOUS!


Kraxpelax said...

There's much in the world that you can't explain.
It's revealed for you to remember
by the whispering voice of a distant train
or a midnight rain in november.

Horizon within! You can always find
the keys to Enigma. Let's mention
one basic Truth: of spirited Mind
Is Nature naught but extension.

Internal expanses! In dreams, ridden
by fear and longing you roam
that deep Southeast in your soul hidden
...on your random journey back home.

Single Swingle

Annie @ The House That Jade Built said...

Oh dear you are hilarious - and a brave brave woman! I delivered a hair short of a 9 pounder, and the thought of wax in that area terrifies me! I can't even wax my eyebrows - my skin is so sensitive it breaks out in red bumps for a week.

Andrea said...

ooohhh nooooo!! LOL

Christina Lucas said...

Ha ha! That's hilareous! You're such a good writer.
Me...I will ALWAYS be a shaver!!!

Our Crazy Life! said...

Oh Megan, I L-O-V-E your post. Here's my advice (you should've called me when you were at Target). Waxing sucks whether you do it yourself or go to a professional. Shaving is cheap, but leaves you with itchy red bumpiness to deal with. Laser hair removal is a little expensive, but so amazingly worth it. I can give you a name and number if you ever get brave enough to go on this adventure again! :)

Sandra said...

I hate to be the type who write: LMAO! But come on! I am LMAO! I have no 'bout go hairy or go home!

Kimberly said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry. I once bought Nads because I thought it looked so cool on T.V and let me tell did nothing but stick my lips together if you catch the drift....
So annoying. I blame my Italian genes.

No Phone Call Is Worth It!