Thursday, January 28, 2010

"Toxic People"

Have you ever spent time with a person, whether having a quick cup of coffee or lunch and wondered how you felt at the end of that? Were you more energized or less energized? Were you tired or exhilarated? Well, if you were more tired and just plain drained then you have been poisoned, and if you had more energy than you had before you went, then you have been nourished.

Toxic People are toxic because of their own issues, and their behavior has nothing to do with you. They like to make you feel bad, guilty, and feel like you are at fault. Realize that the issues they are dealing with corrupt them and cannot be fixed by you. If you realize this now you can take back your power.

I have been having a hard time lately dealing with a toxic person in my life. I have been "Friends" with this person for a couple of years and I have started to realize what this person does to my soul. A friend should never drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused, but this "friend" does all of these things.

I cannot believe how confident I am as a person, but whenever I get around this so called "friend" I feel like I am back in junior high and she is the leader and I am her peon. After I have been with this person the rest of the day I start to question everything I have done and wonder about the things that were said. Could I have said or done something differently? For cryin' out loud I am a 38 year old woman with 2 kids, a small petting zoo, (lol), and married to a great guy for 17 years, why am I letting someone out there make me feel like I am a 14 year old, with no confidence?

Ironically, it is the 29th of January and yesterday was the first time I had seen this gal since before Christmas. After spending a few hours with her and feeling completely dispirited, I decided I needed to pull a Jackie O and very gracefully remove myself from this relationship. Any ideas on how I do that? I would appreciate some advice from any or all of you because I want more for me in this new year and I know it isn't too late!


Marydon Ford said...

Funny you should write about toxic people ... I had this same experience for too many years & tried to be kind & nice about the severing of a connection ... boy! that back fired like an explosive A-bomb going off. Still paying the price for removing myself. Recently this person told me they 'forgave' me ... I was stunned & DH said 'you did nothing & have nothing to be forgiven for', TY. It made me cringe to see that you are going thru the same exact emotions, thoughts, etc., that did I. God bless you, sweetie ... there are happier days ahead when you move on.

Have a beautiful weekend.

TTFN ~ Marydon

Home's Where My Heart Is said...

I am sorry to hear you are being treated this way and that you're in such a difficult situation. I've felt that way before, too. Your descriptions are how I feel, too. Not fun. You definitely need to take a stand and either demand better treatment/behavior, or end the friendship.

I wish there was a fool proof script I could send you, but I'll pray you find the right words and that she takes it well.

Please keep us posted!!

Hope you have a great weekend!!

Janean said...

sorry. it isn't easy, but you'll be glad you did & much happier.

truly toxic people won't change when confronted with the truth. they just move on to the next victim that allows this abusive relationship.

seek out new friendships and let this relationship die due to lack of nourishment on your part. if she asks, you can honestly tell her you've found new interests and think it's time to move on. Or tell her you think your friendship needs boundaries.

keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog, and so glad I did. I'm dealing with this same problem with a friend of mine..and its so difficult to know how to handle it!

The road I'm taking is just stepping out of the relationship really and letting it slowly diminish, but it helps that this friend and I don't live close to eachother at all.

Let us know how it goes! I'll be "following" you now :)

Sabrina said...

Ouch..that's a hard one. Well, I had a similar experience with a friend that wasn't toxic in a mean sense, but more of a "Debbie Downer" kind of way.

Every time we were together it was hours of how everything was SO incredibly "bad" in her world. For months, I tried to build her up and see the bright side....honestly her problems were not that bad. Then it hit me....some people just thrive on unhappiness and need others to constantly tell them "it'll be ok" 24/7. That's when I jumped ship.

My frustration was pretty evident when we did couples nights together anyway and her husband and I were starting to butt heads too. Obviously it wasn't doing anyone any good to force a friendship. At first, I felt bad but after a few weeks of not having to hear how "bad" her life was, I FELT FANTASTIC. Hope that makes sense. I guess my point is that she wouldn't accept my encouragement or advice on how to make things better. Therefore I couldn't listen to someone complain about a fixable situation!

Best of luck in your own ordeal. Sometimes you have to just think about your own feelings first if the relationship is emotionally draining!

Farmgirl Paints said...

Oh girl I can relate to this 100%. I have a few toxic people in my life and they do make me feel small and like something is wrong with me. I always leave their presence with a pit in my stomach. YET for some reason there is that pull with them. Like this innate need to please and for them to treat me right. So I'm like a moth to a flame. It's so unhealthy. Great post.

BTW I DO stuff things in my closet:)

Rue said...

Hi Megan :)

Thank you so much for telling me about this post. I've had so many toxic people in my life I couldn't write them all down here (there's not enough room LOL).

I hope you've figured out what to do about it, but if not, my advice is to slowly move on without saying anything if possible. That's what I did and although sometimes I wonder what so-and-so is doing I know better than to make the call.


No Phone Call Is Worth It!