What's my problem?

I'm feeling a little Bah Humbug lately! Yes a little bit like the Grinch. I haven't made any Christmas cookies with the kids or put together that gingerbread house I promised. It's not that I haven't enjoyed Christmas shopping or getting the house ready because I can't stop tweaking things around here. (Oh, by the way, the house is all clean and I'm caught up on laundry!) Don't get me wrong presents are wonderful and the kids are sure getting probably more than they need. I guess its because I feel that I'm not teaching the kids why we really celebrate Christmas. I know that I'm not the most religious person around but I think about it constantly. Unfortunately we are the family that doesn't go to church on Sunday, but I assure you we are not Heathens, I promise!

I was raised in a Catholic family and attended Catholic school from kindergarten through 12th grade. In fact in the third grade I thought I wanted to be a nun! Yes you read correctly. Crazy but true! We went to church every morning before school and on Sundays. Were we a strict Catholic family, no far from it! I can remember since we only lived a few blocks from Church, my mother would send my sisters and I to church on Sundays. Then when we got into high school we pretended to actually go to church. Horrible I know. We would leave the house and slip into church just so we could get a bulletin and then take a walk or go get donuts. We knew we had to have the bulletin as proof we went. My mother was a smart cookie, she probably knew all along.

My mother on the other hand preferred to go to a different church that wasn't actually our parish church. I think it was because she felt that so many people went to church to be seen and that wasn't why she went. My mother didn't actually like to sit in the pews either, she preferred to stand in the back of the church and listen. Many times the ushers would try and get her to a seat but my mother had a look that said, "I'd walk away from me if I were you"! When I think about that look my eyes well up, boy I miss that!

Mom passed away in 2002 and before she died she had said to me how important it was to her that I have another baby and for me to go to church. Its been 8 years and I did manage to have another baby but I still haven't figured out how to get myself to church. My problem, well I have many I do. Just ask my husband. I just can't figure out if I'm Catholic anymore. I have such strong ties to the Catholic religion but since my husband was raised Baptist, lets just say we have some heated conversations when it comes to religion!

Some of you may wonder well where did you get married? We had a non denominational pastor marry us, in what use to be a Catholic Church. Funny isn't it? Gorgeous church that was going to be torn down but since my father worked for the city, my having the wedding there actually saved the church. Apparently there were enough important people attending the wedding, and they realized how beautiful the church was, so they worked hard on keeping it from being torn down! Yea! Now in the eyes of the Catholic church we are not considered married, even though we are having our 18th wedding anniversary on the 29th of this month. I believe we are married and I think that was the first turn off from the Catholic church was not be recognized. What does that make our children? Are they considered bastards? Of course not. We are very much married and have 2 wonderful albeit pains in the ass at times children who are products of our marriage.

Wow I am sure running with the mouth aren't I? I always get this way at this same time every year. I think I am trying to figure out my life for the new year or just my life in general. I've been thinking long and hard on what my New Years resolutions will be. These are some of my plans for the new year:

~ To find a church. I want my kids to know God and talk about him. I think it will make us a closer family.

~ Find a job or start a business! I have enjoyed being a SAHM (ok not entirely) but now that my kids are 5th and 1st grade, I so need to find me. I will always be there for them but if Mom doesn't find a life, they won't want to live with me. I'm not sure if I'll want to live with me!

~ Get on a real exercise routine. My current routine is thinking about a routine and perfecting my hand to mouth coordination!

~ Gratitude Journal. My mother gave me the Simple Abundance Gratitude journal in 92 and I barely touched it. Maybe I never felt like I needed it until now, thanks Mom!

~ Thank you notes! I am the absolute worst at this. My mom is turning in her grave because she taught us or should I say hounded us to write thank you notes. I am going to get right on this and have my kiddos do the same and how wonderful that we can start with Christmas Thank-yous!

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings. Sometimes there is just so much that has to come out and hopefully it made sense. Whew I feel better! I just might go and make those cookies!

Have a great night!